T-labs proves street-checks racist

Warning: contains fake news

A bold experiment by Turpin Laboratories has proven beyond a doubt that the Halifax police practice of “street-checking” is unconstitutional and racist.

The experiment, hailed as brilliant, introduced street-checking into a computer simulation of Nova Scotia’s capital, its people and police service.

Street-checking involves armed and uniformed cops stopping civilians at random to demand information about them such as their race and/or ethnicity and what they were doing before they were stopped.

Although this practice is unconstitutional and illegal on the face of it, the courts have left some wiggle room for vigilant police officers. An analysis by CBC showed that citizens perceived as “black” by police are three times as likely to be street-checked as those seen to be “white”.

Consequently, the chattering class is debating whether Halifax cops are being racist and unconstitutional.

To answer the question, the T-Labs experiment had computer-simulated cops street-check 1,000 simulated “white” people in the area of “the south end.” The computer simulation also included several subtle stereotypes about simulated “whites” in the city.

The results were stunning. The simulated south-enders burned up email and telephone connections to city hall.

“It’s crazy,” said simulated Anglo-Nova Scotian Graeme Graham. “Yes, Anglo-Nova Scotians commit crimes, but it’s clear we are being unfairly targetted. It’s way out of proportion to the percentage of whites in the city.”

Graham reacted angrily when it was noted that simulated white crime went up during the experiment: “Of course it rose, you bloody idiot. When you focus on one race exclusively, you’re bound to turn up proportionally more law-breakers. If you randomly questioned  Norwegian blue parrots, bird crime would appear to rise. Of course, then the police would create a parrot squad, which would detect yet more bird crime.”

Simulated constitutional lawyer Serena Tennis-Anyone said: “You can’t find a clearer  violation. People have a right to go about their business without arbitrary inference from the constabulary.”

And yet, simulated Haligonians “of colour”, who were excluded from the experiment, were not so sure. They engaged in an earnest, hand-wringing debate on the matter.

The debate ended quickly, however, when the  simulated-Halifax council held an emergency meeting and summarily declared the practice unconstitutional and racist. They ordered the police to stop it and destroy the street-check database. The simulated council process required three nanoseconds in real-time.

Turpin Labs CEO and noted author Bill Turpin said the simulation was run 256 times with the same result.

“The experiment was brilliant. Street-checking is racist and illegal,” said Turpin, a noted author. “Just out of curiosity, we also ran the simulation on Norwegian blue parrots. Many of them were already behind bars.”


Sure hope there’s no cover-up here

It’s been almost seven months since a 41-year-old Spryfield man died in a Halifax police cell June 16, 2016.

Neither the cops nor Nova Scotia’s Serious Incident Response Team will say what the man’s name was, although you can tell with 99% certainty by checking the obits for the period. We did, and his initials are CR, but the job of identifying him belongs to law enforcement, not bloggers.

SIRT says withholding the names of people involved in their investigations is a matter of policy. It also makes it harder for the public to assess SIRT’s performance.

The cops won’t release the name either, which is reasonable until family have been notified, but usually a single day is enough to take care of that.

Given that the man was arrested for public intoxication, it’s likely that he died of misadventure.

But, after seven months without an update on the investigation or the deceased’s name, you have to start wondering about a cover-up of some kind. After all, it’s plenty of time for evidence to deteriorate or get “lost” (e.g. drugs and cash) and memories to fade, which are key to successful cover-ups.

Just sayin’.